The Practice of Being: Thoughts on Awareness, Acceptance, and Change
By Kelly Berthold, LCSW
"The only constant in life is change." So the saying goes, coined by Greek philosopher Heraclitus around 500 BC. The saying demonstrates that we as a species have acknowledged for a long time that we can't stop time and that change is always happening inside and outside of ourselves whether or not we want it to occur. The concept that the only constant in life is change is potentially much older than this quote, and although this concept is ancient, it doesn't necessarily mean that we as a species have willingly embraced this reality. Philosophers have a way of communicating such intellectually massive concepts with simple phrases. If it's so simple, why does it feel so complicated? Let's rework this quote a bit, if Heraclitus wouldn't mind.
A constant in life is change… awareness and acceptance of this reality frees us from the struggle of attempting to take control of what we cannot change, and to focus on what we can.
Focusing on what we perceive is in our control; this is what human beings do. Humans are very good at doing, and it may be more accurate to call ourselves "human doings" than human beings (As Jon Kabat-Zinn, Professor Emeritus of Medicine at University of Massachusetts Medical School and founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction has said). We do things to distract ourselves; we do things to accomplish tasks; we do all sorts of things in our day-to-day that are aiming to get from point "A" to point "B." We "do" by thinking. These thoughts may be laden with judgments, perceptions, opinions, values, ethics, morals, and interpretations that drive our behaviors and reinforce the reasoning for those behaviors.
"Doing" isn't a bad thing. All of the amenities that we have today came from judgmental thoughts that have driven behaviors to make changes. What can be unhealthy is an unbalanced lifestyle of a constant state of autopilot, reactivity, and striving that is removed from "being."
By living in constant states of autopilot, we may not be present to the moments of life we are actually living. We exist in the body, but aren't present with what's happening with us or around us. There can be no possible joy in living in a state of autopilot because joy requires deliberate attention. Being overly reactive may leave us at the mercy of our automatic thoughts, feelings, and sensations. We have emotions, thoughts, physical sensations, but they are not who we are. When we are reactive, we can feel out of control and out of touch with ourselves and feel like we aren't driving the ship. Persistent states of striving and constantly pining for the future prevent us from appreciating what exists in our lives now, neglecting all we have to seize today. These states of doing can often bring an artificial sense of control over our own lives. A life filled with autopilot, reactive, and striving mindsets can run us into the ground, exhaust us, and leave us feeling empty when the universe shows us we don't have ALL of the control. No amount of "doing" will change that. When we go through physical, mental, social and/or emotional challenges and changes that shake our belief of the control we have of our lives, and the world around us, what can be done?
We learn from very early ages how to "do," but we don't often learn how to cultivate our innate abilities to "be," or why that is important. We don't have to teach ourselves how to be present, but we do have to practice it intentionally. What it means to "be" is to be present in the here and now. It means to direct our attention to the present moment without lingering or getting caught up by anything in particular. Being is also a willingness to experience all that exists inside and outside of ourselves as the present is unfolding. Mindfulness is how we practice being. Mindfulness is awareness and purposeful attention to the present moment that is open and nonjudgmental; noticing judgments, emotions, physical sensations, and interactions as they arise, and then being present for whatever comes up in the next moment. This ability of "being," with a thought, sensation, emotion, or anything that is occurring outside of ourselves, is to see whatever arises and listen to what information is being communicated with curiosity, all the while not amplifying or minimizing the experience. It isn't to say that just because the thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations we experience are real, that the messages are always grounded in truth. When being aware and attentive in the present moment, we are better equipped to discern fact from fiction, the helpful from the harmful, the safe from the dangerous. We can notice and choose how to proceed with purpose and meaning. This mindful being allows us to be proactive, to see outside the tunnel vision of our preconceived reactive thoughts and judgments, and beyond the catastrophe of what is out of our control. We acknowledge the thoughts, feelings, sensations, catastrophes, AND we ALSO see the things we can change, and engage in the joys of the present. Then we move into the next moment, thereby proceeding in a way we choose based on the wisdom found in the last moment.
Finding a state of mindful being after going through a traumatic experience is not an easy feat. Being mindful can take time. Everyone's needs are different, and that also includes healing from trauma. Finding a safe space to learn how to be present with one's thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations without judgment can bring healing. Being present requires an acceptance of the actuality of how things are. Acceptance is not approval. Acceptance is the recognition of the facts of how things are, and it is when we are able to acknowledge reality and accept it as it is that we can have a more balanced lifestyle of "doing" and "being." To accept what is out of our control and how that leads us on the path of seeing what is. To learn that one can have thoughts, sensations, and emotions and recognize the realness of those experiences without having to behave or react to them. Being can bring growth and fulfillment in the aspects of life that are within one's control and heal from the injuries that are outside of one's control. How often are we present with the thoughts that we are thinking? The physical sensations we are experiencing? The emotions we are having? How aware are we of what is happening around us? Take a moment to be present with something today, and see how it may improve that moment and possibly the next.
